As Our Parents Grow Old

By Phyllis Kramer Hirschkop

We watch our parents grow old.  One can barely hear, the other fears losing her ability to take care of her life.  One is paranoid about others wanting his money, the other is easily confused.  We wonder how much longer they'll be able to live on their own.

Many adult children are dealing with parents growing old and frail and with all the complications that go with aging.  First come the practical problems, then the emotional complexities, the feelings that arise as a result of seeing our parents age, dealing with them as they age, and dealing with siblings and other family members around parental issues. 

We want our brothers and sisters to be equal caregivers.  The sad reality is that all siblings don't give equally, which can create much tension in a family.  Old rivalries can play out at the expense of parents.  When siblings cannot set aside their differences for the purpose of accomplishing specific goals, they will be unable to work together, leaving others to carry out their responsibilities to their parents.

Then there's the reality that we want to care for both our children and our parents.  It's a lovely sentiment but a daunting task.  The fact is that the so-called Sandwich Generation is a family with children and two working parents and one or two aging parents.  It's increasingly more common that at least one of the adult children will have an aging parent who is in need of some help.  Who's going to take Mom to the doctor, Dad to physical therapy, and the kids to soccer practice? As a result of this pressure, the adult children can feel stressed, anxious, or depressed.

These responsibilities of care, frequently unexpected and unwanted, often create problems for those who must shoulder them - from tensions with siblings about who provides care to feelings of anger about past hurts, to the arousal of guilt about not doing enough for parents to differences with a spouse about the distribution of responsibilities in the larger family.

What ought you try to do to deal with these demanding challenges?

1. Know your limits, and ask for help.  You may not always get what you want from the people you want it from, but remember that outside resources are available.
2. Try to deal with your feelings of guilt, anger, and resentment.  They not only interfere with your ability to accomplish the necessary tasks, but they create a lot of general unhappiness for you and those around you.
3. Deal with old sibling rivalries.  You can pick and choose your friends, but your brothers and sisters are a given; so try to communicate with them openly, and if necessary, bring in a third party to help resolve problems with them.

When Aging Parents Abuse Alcohol

By Phyllis Kramer Hirschkop

It's common for alcoholics, to deny that they have any problem with alcohol.  The result of this denial is a refusal of treatment.  Since the results of alcohol abuse generally become worse with age, the families, particularly the adult children, bear the brunt of these problems.  They are frequently frustrated and confused about how to handle the situations that result from the physical and intellectual impairment.  This impairment can result in hip fractures due to falls, injuries from auto accidents, and the serious side effects of mixing alcohol and medication.

The first thing to do is call your local alcohol treatment center and tell its staff members the problem you face.  Ask them if they can direct you to available community services.  Look under "Alcohol" in your local directory.

For example:

1. Ask them whom to contact at the city or county department of aging to discuss resources available to you and your parents, including alcohol treatment programs, financial advice, physical care, and psychological counseling to help you deal with your parents' problem.
2. Ask them how to find out about specialists who conduct interventions.  Such a professional will help a group of family and friends confront the parents with the impact of their drinking on others in an attempt to convince them to enter treatment.
3. Consider calling AL-ANON for yourself.  This is the family component of Alcoholics Anonymous.  Its purpose is to help someone in your situation deal with an alcoholic family member.  AL-ANON is listed in your local phone book.

It's important that you get help because you can't satisfy all your parents' needs by yourself, nor should you have to do that.  Remember that taking care of yourself is the first step to effective care-giving.

When Elderly Parents Reject Their Children's Advice

By Phyllis Kramer Hirschkop

I recently received a letter in which the writer said that her mother fell down without being able to get up.  When this adult daughter found out what had happened, she called her mother to ask why she hadn't called her to let her know.  She then told her mother that since she'd fallen several times she simply couldn't live alone anymore.  Her mother replied that it was her life and that she'd do what she wanted to do.

Adult children have a tendency to think they know what's best for an elderly parent and become exasperated when the parent rejects their advice.  They continue to push the parent, the parent pushes back, and the adult children become increasingly frustrated until they learn to approach the problem differently.

Let's assume that behind this mother's resistance is someone who's scared because she feels she's losing more and more control of her life.  When you approach her with exasperation and talk to her as if she were a child, her immediate response is to act like one and dig in her heels.  However, if you act on the assumption that she might be frightened of losing control, you might be able to approach her with some sympathy and understanding.  If you told her how sorry you were that she fell and how frightened she must have been to feel her legs give out under her, you're conveying concern and understanding.  You could also let her know that you worry about her living alone and think about what could happen if she fell and wasn't able to get to the phone.

An expression of understanding, concern, and worry is far less likely to make your parent defensive and will, hopefully, be the beginning of a discussion about what kind of help and support is needed to allow your parent to live the way she wants to live.

The exasperation that adult children feel at their parents' rejection of their well-intentioned help is a familiar story.  It's important to remember that whether you agree or not, as long as your parent is capable of making decisions, they're hers to make.  Her health and safety, while primary, need to be managed with her in the driver's seat.